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Elephant in the room
By Felix | May 21, 2008
An article was sent to me by a friend, and i found this very interesting to share with you… note i didnt write this, so i cant take any credits for it, but i felt you shoud share from the lessons i learnt hear.
Feel free to discuss your elephant when dropping your comments, or if you agree with the point of view of taking care of this elephant.
All the credits goes to Julie Fuimano who wrote this beautiful piece… Enjoy.
Something is wrong. It doesn’t feel right. Maybe you know exactly what it is. Maybe you haven’t taken the time to identify the problem, but it feels bad.
You skirt around the issue. Perhaps it’s something with your relationship or with your kids. Perhaps it’s a work issue and everyone skirts around the issue; you just follow suit. People have been tolerating the issue for so long, who are you to bring it up? So you say nothing.
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Plus, you’re busy! Life is full of challenges. You’d rather not rock the boat. If you speak up, you are going to have to deal with the ramifications. If the person you are dealing with has a temper, has a need to be right, or is prone to becoming defensive, well, it’s just easier to continue to put up with whatever is bothering you and hope it goes away.
And if it’s something at home, well, that just means that everything will have to change and change is hard. What will you do instead? It’s a scary prospect to consider that life could be different. After all, this is what you are used to.
And so it goes in life. Often, we dance around issues because we are either too busy to deal with it, we don’t think it’s that serious, or we really don’t know how to handle it. Having an elephant in the room is a metaphor for living with a huge issue and either you see the elephant but do nothing to get rid of it or you don’t even see it. These obstacles are known as avoidance and denial.
Avoiding the elephant
You know the elephant is there. You can see it. You do a dance to get around it every time you step foot in the room. It’s squishy in this space. It requires tact and a lot of energy to avoid touching the elephant. It’s like tiptoeing in the dark and trying not to hit anything.
This is a tough way to live and to work and requires a lot of energy. Things tend to take longer because of having to avoid the elephant. It’s full of effort and struggle.
And he takes up so much space! There’s not a lot of room in here for other things. This requires a lot of attention and a commitment to keeping this going. It becomes a game, a painful game.
There are no winners in this game because with an elephant in the room, you are living a lie. This part of your life is an illusion. And it’s yours because you’re the one sitting in the room with an elephant!
Like all games, there is always an ending. Eventually, the elephant becomes too big to avoid any longer.
If what you are avoiding lives at home, then you might find yourself staying late at work, making excuses for keeping so busy, taking on additional projects, or working overtime. You might feel like the pain of avoiding it is easier to deal with than facing it and having to actually see the elephant and how big it’s grown, and then having to figure out a way of getting rid of the darn thing.
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When living with an elephant, you’re not free to use your talents or explore new territories in life |
If the elephant is at work, then there are numerous costs involved including the cost of staff turnover, poor morale, a negative work environment, lots of sick days used in order to avoid the negativity, a lack of trust between leadership and staff, and low productivity because of all of the time wasted dancing around the elephant.
There is also the loss of creativity and innovation because when people are stressed and are not free to be their best, when the environment is draining them, there is no room for creativity. There are no winners when you live or work with an elephant in the room.
Another way you might find yourself avoiding is when you minimize an issue. This is when you see the issue but make excuses in an attempt to deflate the impact it is having. It might sounds like this, “It’s okay. He always yells like that. It’s no big deal. That’s just the way it is. You don’t really feel that way. It isn’t so bad.”
When you hear yourself using some of this language or hear others make light of something that clearly doesn’t feel right to them, bring it to their attention so they can see the elephant for what it really is. The key to eliminating the elephant is to accurately assess the situation without prejudice or bias.
Denying the elephant’s existence
When you live in denial, you don’t even see the elephant. “What elephant? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Denial is a protective mechanism of the mind. It’s a thought process that protects you until you are ready to face whatever it is. This is characterized by looking the other way or by avoiding certain conversations or people.
Somewhere in your mind is the inkling that something isn’t right. You’re just not ready to see it. But you’re still living a lie. You still wind up sitting in and spending time with an elephant in the room. Just because you’re not able to look at it doesn’t mean it’s not there!
Living with an elephant is difficult and painful. You are not free to use your talents or free to explore new territories of life. You are imprisoned by trying to navigate around the big obstacle in the room and therefore until you remove the obstacle, tackle it head on, you are not free from it and it impacts your life.
How do you become aware of these blind spots or areas of denial so you can address them?
Start becoming aware of how you feel: in what situations do things feel uncomfortable or you feel like you have no space? Look for areas of your life where you are not free to do, think, or be who you want to be. As an adult – a mature adult – you are free to choose. And if you are not free to choose, chances are there’s an elephant in the room.
Removing the elephant
Removing the Elephant Whether you are avoiding or denying, the way to destroy the elephant – metaphorically, that is – is to face it square in the face.
Awareness is a powerful force in moving beyond the limitations imposed by living or working with an elephant. You want to make accurate assessments about what is going on without the subjectivity or concern about how to fix it or how you will address it.
The first step is to simply see what is really going on. Accepting “what is” and being responsible, meaning accepting that you are “able to respond” to what is, is part of being a mature adult. It’s the way you are able to empower yourself to create a life that frees you to be all you are capable of being and do all that you are capable of doing.
With an elephant in the room, you are not free.
Denying or avoiding limits you and drains you; facing everything and being open to grow and develop yourself fills you up so you can contribute more of your talents and abilities to the world and you enjoy yourself more because you are free to.
It seems like a great challenge to face everything and yet, what do you gain by living the lie or by dancing with an elephant? It’s a great place to hide your beauty, brilliance, skills, and talents but you’ll find over the years that you will have lost precious time – time that cannot be retrieved.
You get to decide whether you want the elephant or the freedom. The choice is yours.
May you choose to live – and work – in spacious rooms liberated from elephants?
Topics: change, choice, motivation |
May 21st, 2008 at 11:48 am
I LOVE THIS Felix, if there is one thing i have always tried to do is live in the truth, that burdon of not, weigh too heavy in my soul. I have huge shoulders and many times find myself in situation of counseling others on that elephant they see or dont see, Here is what i say to all.. if what you are doing isnt working CHANGE it you have nothing to lose and all to gain, change is very scary and so many stay in fear then to face the unknown, when in fact ALL change is good, one needs to progress in order to gain wisdom and that is one mighty fine gift to have. LISTEN to that soul in your chest it will never lie to you or steer you in the wrong direction in life, I call it the spirit of TRUTH and it has been instilled into every human heart, When one messes up in life you feel it in your chest.. i call it the “spirit of truth” many call it their conscience, you will get conviced of your wrongs and that conviction will get stronger n stronger until you make it right. No one can make that elephant dissapear but you.. I CAN NOT live in a lie, my soul wont allow me to..I have been called a bitch many times in life due to my truthfulness and honesty, and so be it… i hold that title proudly… the truth hurts at times and can be very brutel but bottom line is ,,its the truth and the TRUTH shall set you FREE.. wink.. great piece here sweets exactly what i say n how i feel about all… xxxx hagd luv xxx
May 21st, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Think about what you are reading ok. because it’s the truth.
Why do we ((sleep)) in [[church]],
But stay ((awake)) through a [[2 hour movie]]?
Why is it so ((hard)) to talk about [[God]],
but so ((easy)) to [[Gossip]]?
Why are we so ((bored)) when we look at a [[Christian magazine]],
but find it ((easy)) to read [[Playboy]]?
Why is it so easy to ((ignore)) a [[Godly]]
Cuz biblical history says it would be, this is satans world and hes trying to rope as many as he can before the second comming…All shall pass here on earth, do not build your heaven here… wink
May 21st, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I think we all have some elephant to deal with, but some are quite sensitive that we will prefer the “sleeping elephant to lie” maybe until our patience is converted to longsuffering, and we can not take it no more like 2face will sing, in anycase, when one is blind to the elephant, it become difficult to handle because even if what u are saying is the truth, untill the 2nd party sees from your own point of veiw, u may be provoking another tsunami.
I think that we all need the wisdom of God to tackle this issues, some times its not what u are saying but HOW you are saying it that will give u a headway in moving or relocating your elephant.
Great post Felix.
May 21st, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Caution must be taken in moving that elephant, becos it can cause u a great relationship, show me a broken home, marriage or relationship, and i will show an elephant that could not be moved or resolved, May God grant us wisdom!
May 22nd, 2008 at 10:22 am
This post reminds me of how people take a job for the pay and lament all there life about how inconsiderate their boss is, how boring the job feels, they are the first to shout “thank God its friday” and even that job that pays them well don’t pay on time.
A lot of people are not having fun doing what they spend most of their lives doing yet they keep up with it and grow wrinkles at 35. They cant stand up to what the problem is and because no-one else is complaining, they decide “maybe i’m the one with the problem” So they ignore it waiting for the next person to talk so they can echo.
Life will never adjust itself to suit us if we don’t do something about it.(chase the elephant otherwise who knows the elephant may just think you are the intruder and claim the whole space).
Nice one Felix.
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:46 am
What a picture.Life is like skiing downhill blind.we can’t even see 5mins into the future.We can’t see lal the stuggles to come or all the skiers who might run into us,or over us.Those fears are heightened when we recall how often we have been misled by people we trusted, circumstance we didn’t see coming or, people we have misled despite their trust in us.
Humanly speaking it leaves the strongest of us feeling vulnerable.Everything in life comes with a price tag believe it or not!! and the only way to avoid continious shipwreck in your life is by knowing the cost of every action u take,every step u make n the value of every decision u make…by so doing u know the right call to make if u want to kip D ELEPHANT IN D ROOM OR CHASE IT BACK INTO D JUNGLE!!
IT’S UR CALL 2 MAKE….
MAKE A WISE CALL THO!!COS D WRONG CALL MIGHT JST SEND MORE ELEPHANTS COMING!!
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:48 am
Lovely article!! U HANG IN THERE N 4EVA KIP IT REAL!!
NUFF LUV!!
PEACE N A FIST!!
XXX1
May 26th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
NICE ONE felix,an elephant may be in your house but is up to you to decide if the elephant stays or not.
May 26th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
ELEPHANT as it may, may be an obstacle or rather an hinderance in your room,the room signifies your heart, conscience depending on the way you see it if you decide not to keep the elephant you must act fast open ur eyes to see the elephant to chase it away or to live with it.LOVELY POST.