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Let’s Do it Again…
By Felix | May 23, 2008
It’s another Friday and time once again for the jokes competition, I found out it was the most interactive session on my blog and I think we should continue the trend every Friday, so you have all week to come up with your outstanding jokes I’ll let the winner write up the joke to start the competition for the next Friday.
What this means is if you win today’s contest after the jokes have been casted, next Friday’s post and competition will start with a new joke or series of funny stories from you. Meanwhile with the votes counted, Chidinma came up tops, so she’ll get to let you guys know what he price was when she decides.
I’m starting today with a short one so you guys can fill the rest of the post with your jokes on the comment side and get your friends to vote for you, by using the share this post with a friend. link At the end of each post.
Enjoy…
Men NEVER listen ?
A man and his wife receive a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:
My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don’t know when I’m coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you’ll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you’ll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: “Please take only one drop”
NOTE: “Please take only one drop”
So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..
The husband looks at the wife and says: “You go first.”
So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.
A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.
The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
“Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle.”
“So where is he?” “Oh, that’s him I have on my back.”
Meanwhile, the picture I used for today’s post was sent to me by Debra, it’s the bridge I shared a story about in post titled “Never say Die”.
She thought you might all like to know, so you can appreciate the moral of the story and the power of determination! Yesterday marked the 125th birthday of the bridge… free American history lesson for those of us who don’t know… 
Topics: TGIF, fun and jokes |
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:10 pm
A woman comes home and tells her husband, ‘Remember those headaches I’ve been having.
All these years? Well, they’re gone.’
‘No more headaches?’ the husband asks, ‘What happened?’
His wife replies, ‘Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror,
Stare at myself and repeat,
‘ I do not have a headache ‘
‘ I do not have a headache ‘
‘ I do not have a headache ‘
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.’
Well, that is wonderful’ proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, ‘You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ‘
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, ‘WOW! - that was wonderful!’
The husband says, ‘Don’t move! I will be right back.’
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ‘ OH MY GOD ‘ She proclaims.
Her husband again says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
‘She’s not my wife ‘
‘She’s not my wife ‘
‘She’s not my wife ‘ .
‘She’s not my wife ‘
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
May 23rd, 2008 at 2:58 pm
A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:”It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I eloped
with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams. I’ve learned that marijuana
doesn’t hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we’ll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now
and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’ll visit you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS:
Mom, it’s not true. I’m at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than my report card that’s in the desk drawer.
May 23rd, 2008 at 5:33 pm
@ imelda too good.. lol wink
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Make Una Return My Money
An area boy once took twenty grand, (#20,000) in a bag to a canteen where he went to eat. After a while he went to the toilet, forgetting his money on the table he ate. He came back to his seat and found out his bag was missing, then he shouted, “Make una return my money before wetin happen for Oshodi, happen here again”.
The people were scared seeing how vicious the area boy was looking, he shouted again, “If una no want wetin happen for Oshodi, happen again make una return my money”.
After a while he saw his bag at the corner of the room, obviously drooped by the culprit. Later, the people now asked him what happened in Oshodi, thinking he killed someone there. To their surprise he said, “The last time wey dey steal my money for Oshodi, na waka I waka from Oshodi reach house”!
May 24th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Congressman’s Money
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”
The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
May 24th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
The Rescue
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was the former President Obasaonjo. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted 1 000,000, so Obasanjo gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Obasanjo gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Obasanjo said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you’re not handicapped.”The boy replied , “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”
May 24th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
A man has six children…
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home now Mother of Six?”
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”
May 25th, 2008 at 4:26 am
LMAOOOOOOOO OMG loveth that #7 joke was off the wall too funny.. i say i say i say .. never underestimate a woman ever.. lol .. you have my vote
May 25th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
An aircraft was losing hieght due to an over load,the pilot then annouced ‘we’ll throw down passengers in alphabetical oder.Any africans? noone moved,Any carribeans? silence again.then a black boy asked dad what are we?,the father replied ’son today we are the Zulus.
May 25th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
What did the drunk say to the barrister? every night i get called to the bar.
May 26th, 2008 at 6:15 am
LOL……. had to share it sorry.. lol
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
“Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!”
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
“Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!”
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
“My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.”
May 27th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Brave Singh Jr.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked, “Singh Jr. what is your problem?” Singh Jr. answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Singh Jr. to the principal’s office. While Singh Jr. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Singh Jr. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Singh Jr.: “9″.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Singh Jr.: “36″.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, “I think Singh Jr. can go to the third-grade.” Ms Neelam says to the principal, “I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?” The principal and Singh Jr. both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Singh Jr., said after a moment “Legs.”
Ms Neelam: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
Singh Jr.: “Pockets.”
Ms Neelam: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Singh Jr.:”Pants”
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Singh Jr.: Coconut
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Singh Jr. was taking charge.
Singh Jr.: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…
Singh Jr.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Singh Jr.: Yep.
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Singh Jr.: Tent
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Singh Jr.: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Singh Jr.: Nose
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Singh Jr.: Arrow
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Singh Jr.: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?
Singh Jr.: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Singh Jr.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send Singh Jr. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”
Cheers
May 28th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
@all, … thanks for participating, let the voting begin, so contact your friends to come online and vote on this post for you. Friday we’ll have a fresh contest and the winner will be declared and the price too for this competition, i’m yet to hear from chidinma what she wants for winning the last edition.
cheers.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
WHO can choose just one .. they are all great .. but since we have to my vote goes to..oh hell i dont know when u picture the look on the face of the mother in imelda’s joke is a classic.. but then the look on the hubby face in #7 with loveth is sooooo good.. so i have a tie.. imelda n loveth.. have my vote.. lol sorry im difficult.. wink
May 29th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
LMAOOOOOOO ok i just got this e-mail from a girlfriend .. and it cracked me up so much i just have to share it.. lmao.. omggg i have such a sick sence of humor..lol.. enjoy this girls..
Subject: For the girls
For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home…..
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie. ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ’she came to me on her hands and
knees.’
‘Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit
May 30th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Terri asked her sunday school class to draw pictures of their favourite bible stories.She was puzzled by by Kyle’s picture,which showed four people on an airplane…
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent:”The flight to Eygpt”, said kyle.
“I see… and that must be MARY,JOSEPH AND BABY JESUS,” MS Terry said. ‘But who is the fourth person?she asked.
“OH that is PONTIUS -THE PILOT” replied littel kyle.
May 30th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
A little child in church for the 1st time watched as the church ushers passed the offering plates,when they reached the pew where he sat,the youngster as shocked as he was;pipped up so that everyone could hear him:AND Shouted….
“Don’t pay for me DADDY”,I’m under five”.
May 31st, 2008 at 1:27 am
First Cut is the Deepest
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what’re you in for?”
“I’m getting my tonsils out. I’m a little worried,” said Tim.
“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Sammy said. “I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?” replied Tim. “That’s not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What’re you here for?”
“I’m getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn’t walk for two years!”
May 31st, 2008 at 1:33 am
Let’s Talk
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, “What would you like to talk about?”
Oh, I don’t know,” said the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff… grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy thought about it and said, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the girl replied, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
May 31st, 2008 at 12:27 pm
What happened to this week post Felix? Now I have a joke and I have to post in an old contest. Hope the winner’s not decided yet.
Here goes:
Two boys stole a bag of fruits and ran to the nearest cemetery to share the loot. As they were scaling the gate of the cemetery, two oranges fell and were left behind at the gate. A drunk man on his way from a local bar was passing near the cemetery gate and heard the following -One for me, One for you…He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he can to the local priest. Father James come with me and witness God and Satan are sharing corpses at the Cemetery- He said. They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voices continued- One for me One for you…Suddenly one of the voice said Let’s get the two at the gate (meaning the Oranges that fell). One of the Pastor’s shoes is still at the cemetery as at the time of sending this mail. Who wan die? The pastor was the first to take off.